1 post tagged “life changing”
Had Derby practice last night, it was tons of fun, as usual. I think I hurt my fingers, both pointer and middle fingers on each hand. They're both functional, but they hurt like hell, and they're kind of swollen. Probably just jammed them. They both have their normal range of movement too, so I'm not worried.
Last night I got a skate up my ass, it hurt. That's about that.
However, while I love my teammates, I feel as if they don't love me. If that makes sense. A lot of the time it seems that a majority of the girls won't talk to me or don't want to. Whenever I do talk to them I feel like I'm forcing them to. It's confusing, and it's kind of upsetting me. Who am I going to talk to about it though? I work with kids, I know I sound like a baby, when there's probably nothing going on, but it's just how I feel.
There are really only two people who even really talk to me without me talking to them first. I kind of wish I knew what, if anything, I'm doing that puts me in this situation time and time again. It's not a great feeling, to say the least.
Beyond that, I found out yesterday that my dad and my step-mom are probably going to get a divorce. At least, that's what my dad told me. My dad has told me this every year since they got married, 4 years ago. I don't know. They've been together since I was seven, but whatever. I don't know how I feel about this. What are the rules to a divorced step-mom you've known forever?
I feel like even though it was highly volatile it was the most stable home I ever had. Even with all of the insanity that occurred there, it was still home. Who knows. It's not like my step-mom would cut me out of her life. Listen to me, I'm twenty-two years old and I'm being a cry baby. haha.
When I was younger I wouldn't have cared. It would of just floated off my back in the general sense of interconnectedness and cruelty of the world at large. Now, especially since I moved out and started paying my bills, I realize the the world is just targeting me in general. When it rains, it pours.
It's always pouring somewhere.
I told my mom something last night on the way home from practice, that I probably shouldn't have. Now she's really upset. I didn't mean to do it, honestly. It just came out, and while it doesn't bother me in the sense of what happened, it should. She was extremely upset. She said she was sorry, but it wasn't her fault. I think on some level I think that it was my fault, and since I've accepted that I'm a fuck up in general, this really doesn't bother me. I've messed up my life and my fiance's life, but I keep trying even if it is pretty pointless.
The man's NYE event fell through, I thought there was going to be some serious trauma, he's been going through some stuff with his friends. He's okay though, a lot better than I thought he would be.
But, like I've always said.
We'll figure it out, we always do.
Be brave, be brave
